chapter 30

I have been lost for words since I ran into Ivan. Surprised that he left me free, I still wonder for how long
it will be for. Now that he knows I'm alive. I have to tell Landon everything, I can't put it off any longer he
needs to know. I have never lied to him. He really has never asked about my past. I am just afraid. That
he will make me leave.

As I toss and turn in my bed, there's no use for sleep. I get up, head to the bathroom. I turn the water
on for the shower, maybe this will relax me. I undress while the water is warming. I look at myself in the
mirror with my growing belly. As I can feel her movement, I become grateful that I have her.

Lost and thought, the mirror steams. I open the shower curtain and step in, letting the hot water pour
over my body. I try just to relax, but my mind is everywhere. All I can remember is his touch that made
my body crazy. I crave his touch, I don't know why, I wonder what is happening to me.

Star is angry because I did not go back to him. The life with him is so uncertain that I can't bear to even
try. I am not that weak woman that I was, I am strong. I will not allow him to take advantage of me. He
is to be married, and I would be left to be alone. I struggle in my thoughts as the hot water touches my
skin. I can't allow my feelings to develop for him.

I try my hardest to push them aside. As I wash my hair and my body. I scrubbed the dirt away, hoping
that once I get out that I am clean from all of this. It was one poor judgement that I should have never
allowed to happen. I don't belong to anyone, I am free no matter the cost.

As I get out of the shower to dry myself, I know that I need to tell Landon everything. He has a right to
know in case I put him in danger and everyone in his pack. I would not blame him if he wanted me to
go. I just hope that he cares enough to allow me to stay.

I tried so hard to block any feelings for anyone, but there was no use. Even though Landon caused me
pain. There is just something about him that I Can't resist. I've been trying to tell myself that it's all a lie,
that I don't care about him. But I know he is what brought me back to life.



This pack is what gave me something to live for. It made me not want to give up or run. I'm so mad at
myself for putting all of my happiness in danger. Knowing that Ivan could swipe in at any time and take
it all away. I now wonder if I should stay, maybe I should leave.

I go to get my clothes, feeling so confused, I want to be comfortable as I put comfortable clothes on. I
am so lost and not sure what to do, maybe I should ask somebody. I gather my thoughts and put my
shoes on and head to the door. I need to talk to Dean, he'll know what to do.

As I am walking through the pack and looking at everybody outside. I see happiness, that is all I want. I
don't feel judged, I feel accepted even though nobody really talks to me. But I believe that is mainly my
fault for not talking to them. It's me not trying to build relationships, being afraid of what will happen, not
wanting to get hurt. If I begin to care about people, what happens when they are gone.

It's the pain that I felt losing my family. I don't ever want to feel again, that is what is preventing me from
caring about others. I think that is one of the main reasons why I am so afraid to get connected to my
pregnancy. When I fill her, movement it makes my heart overflow with so much love it terrifies me.

I am filled with so much emotion and need to let it out, I'm hoping that Dean is not busy, so I can talk to
him. Knowing that he is not the person who I really need to be talking to, but I need to figure this out
before I talk to Landon. When I reach Dean's house, I'm almost relieved. I knock on the door, but it's
not Dean that answers, it's Landon.

"Lilly good morning."

I'm surprised to see him, at first I don't respond, and then I'm thinking hello answer him. "Good
morning, Landon is Dean here."

"Yes he is, he wanted to do a quick check up on Jayden to make sure everything healed nicely."

"Is Jayden OK, he's not having any issues is he?"



"He is fine, he was upset because of you running out last night. You couldn't stay to hang out with him,
you had to just leave."

"No I'm sorry, I didn't know it upset him."

"Of course it upset him, he hasn't seen you in days, and you just take off after only spending an hour
with him."

"Landon, I'm sorry I can spend more time with him, I want to spend more time with him."

"Don't bother, I don't want someone who is just going to spend time and run out on him when they get
tired of him."

"Landon, it was not that I promise you, maybe we can talk about this. I want to talk to you, I want to tell
you everything."

"Really, I don't want to hear your excuses."

"Landon, it was my Wolf she left me, and then she was back I was so overjoyed I needed to go for a
run, I'm sorry."

As Dean begins to walk out with Jayden, I see his face light up with a smile. But sadly, it then starts to
fade, it was like my heart sank with his fading smile. I could tell that he was upset with me. What have I
done? I know I had no control. I needed to run. Was it something I needed for myself? Why does
everyone feel that what I need isn't important?


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