Chapter 34: 34 La Douleur Exquise

La Douleur Exquise

- the heart-wrenching pain of wanting the affection of someone unattainable

Origin: French

34

It was unexpected to see Channing around here and it was very coincidental that I had to be with Nick.
It's not that I don't want them to meet, but I just dont want Nick to feel a little bit down when he sees
Channing. I know Nick hates or has a problem about rich people and Channing is rich and can be very
boastful sometimes.

"Does that have cheese?" I asked Nick. Trying to make a conversation with him.

"Yeah. You want it?" Nick asked.

Channing softly laughs. "Savannah doesn't like cheese, man."

I gaze at Channing. He remembers.

I moved my head back to Nick who looked a little bit pissed. We just continued eating again while
Channing and I just kept talking about how his days went well in Ohio State University then he would
ask me about how mine went in WSU too while Nick was just eating quietly. We didn't mean to make
him feel out of place but he's not even talking to us when I try to get him join the convo.

Dont get me wrong, but I really feel happy to see Channing around. There's nothing left inside me that I
feel for Channing, it wasn't even actually love that I felt for him so it was easy-peasy to forget about
what we had. I just regretted he was my first.



"So I'll see you tonight?" Channing asked while the three of us headed out of the diner.

I nod.

"Will six be okay?" He asked again.

"Definitely." I answered.

"Then I'll see you. I'll call you so I could pick you up." Channing confirms.

"Alright."

"Later Annie." He leans closer to me and kissed my forehead.

What the hell?

He waves at us then walked to his car. Channing said he needs to get some sleep for tonight that's why
he can't offer me a ride. Nick has been quiet since a while ago when Channing came to our table and
until now as we climb into his car, he's still not talking. He turns on the engine and started driving away
from the diner.

We were quiet.

We were awkwardly quiet and I hate it.

I always hate this kind of silence between me and him.

It makes me feel like Im being sucked by a hurricane called Nick Wilde and I cant get out. It makes me
feel like Im lost and Im going deaf. I cant hear my own scream. Im being thrown away, far far away
from him and it makes me feel so distant from Nick. I hate being so distant from Nick. There are times
when I understand him but most of the times he's very hard to figure out. There are times when he



opens up, though not too much, but at least he does it. Then there are times when he's being too
private and always so absent-minded.

"So." He finally speaks, not the so la ti do kind of so but a very stiff so.

I glanced at him.

"I didn't know you were still friends with your ex." He continued.

"Y-yeah... We remained friends after we broke up." I answered.

He laughs humorlessly. "How can you stay friends with an ex? That's even the most impossible thing
ever."

As I was about to answer him, he cut me off. "Was he the...."

He gazed at me from the corner of his eyes and looks back to the road.

"The one who took you?" He asked.

I know he's talking about my virginity.

I nodded twice. "Yeah."

"And you're friends with him?" He asked.

"There's nothing wrong with that."

He glanced at me again and just didn't talk to me anymore. He's acting a bit off today, I mean since he
met Channing. I'm not telling myself that he's jealous cos he knew that I was still friends with my ex and
he saw how I was still close with Channing cos I'm sure Nick's not feeling jealous at all. I don't want to
set my hopes up. I don't want to expect something that I know will only hurt me.



"What's wrong with you?" I asked. I still asked.

"Nothing." He answered.

We went quiet for a few seconds.

"I just didn't expect to see your ex today and I didn't expect to see how still close you are with him." He
added.

I smiled at myself. "Channing understands me a lot and we have shared so many things in the past. He
was the one who was there for me when I needed someone to be there or when my parents are out of
town. We started as friends. We had the same circle and I was happy we still kept our friendship after
breaking up a year ago."

"He's very dear to me." I added.

Nick didn't speak to me anymore. He dropped me off the dorm and I was sensing that he was jealous
cos he's acting like one. I could tell from the way he looks at me and his voice is so distant.

But I dissed that thought on my head. No, Nick is not jealous. Nick can never be jealous. Why would he
get jealous?

Dont make yourself laugh Savannah.

•••••

Saturday night.

Exactly six in the evening.

I headed out of the dorm and climbed into Channing's car. I know where we were going tonight and he
knows exactly my favorite things and places. When we reached the upscale restaurant that I totally



love, I quickly felt giddy cos of the foods. It's my personal favorite restaurant, Gotham Steakhouse &
Cocktail Bar, or GothCock, how Channing would call it. We settled ourselves on a table and just waited
for our orders to be served.

"Do you remember the first time we dated here?" he asked.

I nod with a smile. "Who wouldn't remember that? I accidentally spilled water on you."

He laughs.

"Yeah and you were so cute when you kept apologizing." he says.

The foods were finally served and Channing ordered all of my favorite dishes.

"How's Ohio State students?" I asked.

"Amazing Annie. Kids are just so cool."

"Are you dating someone now?" I teased.

He smiles. "Im sort of seeing someone but you know, you'll always be my baby girl."

I laughed softly. "That was disgusting Channing."

He smirks.

"Oh come on, you always love it when I call you baby girl." he teased me back.

I playfully rolled my eyes at him.

"What's up with you and that Nick dude?" he asked.

I paused and he quickly smiled. "I know that look Annie. You like him."



My eyebrows creasing. Disadvantage of being friends with an ex. Channing just knows me too well.

"I dont like him, Channing. He's like a friend to me." I said.

"You really think you'd fool me about that?" he arched his eyebrow.

I took a quick drink from my wine. "Channing... It's really hard to explain."

"No it's not. It's so obvious he likes you. Did you see the way he gave me an eye when you told him I
was your ex?"

I paused.

My lips is smiling.

Smiling.

And still smiling.

Don't be flustered about it Savannah. Just cos Channing said that, it doesnt mean it's what Nick
actually feels. Though they're both men, but that doesnt mean they think alike.

"I can see it Annie, Im also a guy." he added.

I smirked. "It's totally different with Nick. You wont understand."

He gaped.

"You mean to say that dude is bisexual?" he asked.

I snorted.

"What? No." I defended quickly.



He laughs, "Then what do you mean totally different? You made me think that he's actually gay."

"Nick is straight. He's just... hard to figure out." I said.

Channing stared at me even longer, I know he's examining my expression. We've known each other
since we were twelve and I know he can easily figure me out.

"You love him." he confirms.

I just bent my head down and I know it was easy to tell. Now I wonder if Nick can see it the way how
easily Channing see it plastered on my face. I think the word I LOVE YOU NICK is duct taped on my
forehead but only Nick is too insensitive to see it.

"Does he know?" He asked.

I shake my head.

"Are you planning on telling him?" he asked once more.

I exhale heavily. "No."

"I'm not planning on telling him." I sigh.

"Why?" Channing asked.

I looked back at Channing and I really wanna tell him what's the real score between me and Nick so I
could ask for his advice, not only as his ex girlfriend, but also as his friend. But then I think Channing
wont understand. He always see me as a girl who believed so hard in relationships and this thing that I
have with Nick would probably surprise him.

I was a diehard fan about love and romance. I love love like how it's written on books or shown on the
movies but then what I have with Nick I think it wont be like in the movies nor in the novels. I was a big



romanticist but when Nick came, he changed my point of view about love and liking someone, that it
doesn't really have to start on love at first sight or first impressions or even attraction the moment you
met, cos the first time I met Nick, I hated him and now look at me, crazy all over him. Wanting to know
if he's into me or not and day by day it's killing me deeper.

"Is he dating someone else?" He asked.

I shake my head.

"Then what's up with him?" Channing asked again.

"Nick doesn't...." I pressed my lips together.

"Doesn't?"

I took a deep breath in, "He doesn't like love."

"What?" Channing snorted.

"Nick doesn't like the idea of falling in love. He doesn't want love." I said clearly.

Channing's eyes flared momentarily as it looked at me. I smiled ruefully, "So I think it's better if I wont
tell him about how I feel."

"Is he making you feel that there's hope for something between both of you?"

I shake my head. "Im the one making myself think that there's going to be something."

He nods.

"He's a little bit... mysterious." Channing says softly.



"He is." I asnwered, I thought I was the only thing having that first impression on Nick.

It is true though, the first time I met Nick, I can see a dark aura around him. Now, Channing also sees it
and I really thought I was the only one.

"I think he's hiding something Annie. I think he is." Channing says.

My eyebrows creasing, "What does that even mean Channing?"

"The way he looks at me, I could tell that there's more to know about Nick that you still don't know. And
I think he doesn't want you to know about it too."

I smiled weakly.

"How old is he?" Channing asked.

"Twenty-four."

Channing's eyes widened. "He's too old for you Savannah." He said right away.

I exhale.

"I know. But he doesn't make me feel that our age gap is six years."

"What if he's actually secretly married?"

I got quiet.

"Or he's divorced?" He added.

There could be a huge possibility that Nick is married or divorced, and he's only hiding that from me.
But Tracy would have told me and warned me about it to stay away. Holy crap, what if he's married to



Catherine and then Tracy doesnt know about it? What if they already have children? What if he's lying
to me? What if they're still together right now? Holy Christ I don't wanna be a home wrecker.

Oh God I really hate this what if feeling. It's killing me. It always drives me insane and I think too much
what ifs whenever it comes with Nick.

"Just dont take it too seriously with him, Savannah." Channing says.

I just nod weakly.

"So, what about you? Tell me about this girl you are seeing." I changed the subject.

"Well she's taking up Commerce and she is just breath taking Annie but she's not as beautiful as you."
He smiled.

I smiled at him.

"You can stop comparing me from her Channing. What's her name?" I asked.

"Lucy. We've been hanging out twice now. And I really want you to meet her soon."

I nod. "I would really want that."

•••••

I lay wide awake on my bed. I was alone since Tracy wasn't around yet. I kept glancing at my phone,
waiting and hoping for a text from Nick... but nothing.

After my dinner with Channing we went bowling and I just wanted to relax a bit and he knows I needed
it. We played and it was a tie. Okay, so I cheated a little bit. I distracted him and it worked that's why we
scored the same. It's always a fun time with Channing and it has been a long time when it's just me and
him that hangs out. It's good to know that he came by here to visit me, after our past together.



It's almost one in the morning and I still couldn't sleep.

Suddenly someone came knocking by the door, very very softly. It was unusual for a time like this. Holy
crap, is it Nick? But he doesn't knock as soft as like that. And why would he come here when he's
possibly enjoying his party. Could it be Tracy? Or maybe even Channing? Oh Jesus I wonder who this
is and it's so unhealthy for me to be experiencing this this late.

The knock goes on again and now it's not stopping but it's not getting any louder, the sound is just
constant.I pulled myself from the bed with a loud beating heart.

Whoever this is has a very creepy knock.

I slowly opened my door and Nick's towering height hovers me.

"Nick?" I asked.

He smiled.

__________

SFTC:

Lost - Kodaline


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