Chapter 45: 45 Nazlanmak

Nazlanmak

- pretending reluctance or indifference when you are actually willing or eager; saying no and meaning
yes

Origin: Turkish

45

"What are you doing here?" I closed the door behind me.

He stands from my bed.

"And how'd you get in?" I arched an eyebrow.

"I always have a spare key in this room."

I looked away from him cos the more I look at him, I always remember what he said to Alec. It's getting
harder for me and him being here is making me so confused.

"Why are you here Nick?" I demanded but I'm still not looking at him.

"You heard everything?" He asks.

"A while ago?" he added.

I couldn't answer him. My tears are filling up my eyes again. I blink rapidly so I could stop my tears from
falling. These are always gonna be tears of hurt caused by Nick. Tears of shame cos of my shameful
decisions that I made. I feel shitty about myself cos Nick made me feel shitty.



Nick starts walking towards me and reaches for my hand. I'm still not looking at him. His huge soft hand
was holding me, gently squeezing mine. Don't cry Savannah. Don't even try to let that fucking tear fall.

"Savannah." He calls out, almost a whisper.

He exhales deep. "I'm sorry."

"For what this time?" I asked.

I'm pretending not to know what he's actually sorry for even though I know what he's talking about.

"For everything that you've heard a while ago. You don't deserve to hear it." He says.

"You're saying sorry cos you were just being honest to your best friend? What's your sorry for?" I faked
a chuckle even though it's killing me.

He holds my right cheek, moving my head to look at him in the eyes. "When Alec asked me if I was
planning on loving you. I just couldn't lie."

God why does he want to hurt me this much?

"At least lie to me when you tell me you love me. Lie to me Nick." I broke down and cried harder.

He catches me quickly and hugs me right away. I'm sobbing. I'm crying like a baby. I'm crying against
his chest and he's holding the back of my head while his other hand was rubbing the bottom of my
spine. He's comforting me but the more he comfort me, the more I feel worst. I've never felt this broken
and hurt before.

"I just don't know how to deal with this thing between us. It's getting more and more worst." He says.

I'm crying even more. Shit Savannah I told you not to cry.



"I don't want to hurt you but what I said to Alec was the truth. Im sorry." He adds.

This felt like I was giving him the knife so he could stab me and I'm a fool cos I'm letting him stab me.
I'm letting him kill me. I'm letting him hurt me more and more. Deeper and deeper.

"I will never love anyone again." He says.

I exhale heavily.

"Only Catherine." I added.

He nods.

Oh god he's nodding. I don't want him to answer that cos it's only choking me. He doesn't have to
answer that. He's holding me even tighter and tighter but all I want is to let go from his tight grip.

"I'm being unfair to you. I'm messing up with your head and your heart. I always hurt you. Always, I
know. I'm sorry. I just really like being with you. But every time I'm with you, I'm scared that you're
seeing it on a different point of view from mine." He says.

I'm not answering him cos I'm just crying on his chest. I'm not answering him cos I don't know what to
say since everything he's telling me is all true. He is being unfair. He is messing up with my head and
my heart. He is always hurting me. But I let him do all those things. We always end up like this and it's
always me who's getting hurt. Always me who's crying. Always me who's chasing him. Always me. It
will always will be me.

"I want you Savannah but I don't want love from you." He added.

Stop Nick. Please. It's already too much.

He exhales. "You know that. I already told you that. I always tell you that."



I'm torn in the in between and I'm so stupid for letting him take so easily whatever he wants from me
cos it's what I want too. I'm letting him use me like I'm some toy. I'm letting him have the chance to hurt
me cos he can. I'm letting him use me over and over. I'm letting him wait for the day when he'll get tired
of using me and of whatever we have now.

I pull myself away from him. "Tell me a lie." I say.

He looks at me.

"Tell me a lie then I'll be okay. It'll make my night a little at ease." I added.

He didn't answer.

"Tell me a lie Nick." I said again.

He exhales as he looks into my eyes

"I love you." he sounded as if he didn't mean it. As if he's forced to say it to me.

We were looking at each other seriously and we were both quiet. It's too quiet that's driving me crazy. I
don't know if he meant it but I know it's a lie cos I told him to tell me one. His eyes, every time they look
at me, always contradicts to his actions. Both are not the same cos his eyes looked so sincere but the
way he treats me and talks to me is the total opposite of it.

I laugh weakly.

"This is pathetic. I'm so pathetic." I say.

He didn't say anything more.

I exhale. "I think I have my own second rule."



"What is it?"

I look into his eyes and he's looking back at me seriously. Why can't we be more than this Nick? Why
can't we be just what I thought we could be? We could be perfect for each other.

"We should try to keep it simple." I say.

His eyes bore into me even longer now. He's not even looking away. There goes that look he gives me
again that makes me have a doubt. He's acting as if he wants it simple but his eyes tells me that he
doesn't. I'm being totally delusional. He still didn't say anything and just kept quiet.

"Just make sure you don't do or say anything to me that sets my hopes up. As long as we both see this
as simple as it is, then we can do this." I added.

He nods slowly. "Okay. I won't give you hope for us. I'll keep it simple."

I don't know if I should be happy about it or I should be sad that he's not going to give me hope for us.
Gosh I'm hurting myself. I just told him to keep things simple between me and him but I don't want to
even though it's for the best. It sounded like we needed to just casually fuck and leave once we get
what we want from each other. I just hope it's gonna be easy for me. It's gonna be easy for him
obviously but it's gonna take a lot of getting used to. I'm so sure.

"And when it's going to get harder for either of us. We'll end it." I say seriously.

His brows creasing.

"For good." I added.

I can't believe I'm actually the one saying that to him.

"I'm not worried about getting it harder for me cos it's not gonna." He says it so surely.



It's not gonna. Wow Nick, you sure do know how to hurt me and you don't even notice it.

"I'm worried about you." He added

I'm worried about me too but I don't care anymore how long it will last or how bad this will affect me in
the end as long as I have Nick and this whatever we have thing that we are doing, I'll be okay. I'll try to
be okay and I'll try to be strong for Nick. And for myself.

"I'll be fine. Go now before Tracy comes here and sees us." I say.

He looks at me. "Can I at least kiss you before I leave?"

I laugh softly. "Of course."

He grabs the back of my neck and kissed me. He's kissing me like he's saying goodbye. It's a goodbye
to whatever sweet things we did before cos after this it will all change again. It will be plain and simple.

"You still have one last rule." He says.

I nod.

"I still need to think about it." I tell him.

•••••

It has been weeks since I've said out my rules to Nick. I'm the only one adapting to it and I'm still
adapting to it because I know Nick won't break his rules and he won't break mine. I tried to stop myself
from falling and putting meaning to everything he does to me. I try to think he's not into me. I try not to
look into his eyes cos his eyes tells me the truth though his words and actions doesn't.

Sadder things are changing. He doesn't steals kisses from me anymore. He doesn't mouths to me that
I'm beautiful and he doesn't compliments me any longer. He doesn't pulls me out of nowhere just to



kiss me hungrily or make out quickly.

He changed.

Now we were doing exactly what we agreed of doing from the very beginning of all this and it was plain
casual sex.

Lots and lots of sex.

Bedroom sex.

Car sex.

Floor sex.

Shower sex.

Table sex.

Bathroom sex.

And lots of quickies.

Whenever we get the chance and place for sex, we do it. No matter how thrilling or quick it's gonna be.
We fuck till we're sore.

And it hurts me how he becomes so closed off after it's over and done. I try to act like him, like it's not
affecting me. I try to think that I don't want more of what he can only give me. I try to convince myself
that this was the only thing he can give.

All that matters now is our present. I don't think anymore of when the time's gonna come if I couldn't
handle it. I don't think anymore of when one of us will eventually grow tired of this and comes to our



senses to end it.

We lie on his bed with nothing on us but his blanket that we bought at Target weeks ago. We were both
staring at the ceiling while he plays with my fingers with his hand. I let him play with it while my mind
was busy thinking about him even though he's just lying down right next to me.

"Savannah?"

I slightly moved my head to him. "Yeah?"

He propped his elbow up and his face was over me. My other hand wants to hold his cheek, but I dont
want to. Him holding my hand is already too much. He's just looking at me while I was staring at his
shoulder. I love Nick's broad shoulders, I'd consider looking at it than looking back into his eyes cos it's
more safe looking over a shoulder.

"We're still the same right? We're still us."

I glanced at him then looks back at his shoulder. "Of course." I say.

No Nick. It's not anymore.

He still playfully plays with my fingers. He pulls it closer to his mouth and kissed it.

"It's just simpler." I say.

"I like it simpler." He answered.

I don't like it.

I hate it.

I wanna take back my own rule.



But I can't do that.

It's already said and done.

"Will you be busy tomorrow? It's Saturday though." He asks me.

I didn't answer.

"You wanna go somewhere? They're throwing a huge party here and I don't feel like attending." He
added.

"Where are we gonna go?" I ask.

"Wanna be alone for the weekend till Sunday? Spend the entire weekend together." He says.

"Why should we do that Nick? That's gonna complicate things even more."

He sighs. "I just wanted you to relax from all of this."

"I am relaxed." I say.

He exhales. "Tell me a lie."

We've been doing that once in a while after I told him that night. It kind of started becoming our thing
then once we feel a bit sad or disappointed, we wanted to hear a lie to make it a little bit better. But the
last time I asked him to tell me a lie was the last time he told me he loved me.

"Come on tell me a lie." He begs.

"You suck at bed!" I said out.

He laughs.



I run my palm over his face cos he's being too humble and I feel him biting my finger gently. "It's a lie.
Obviously cos you are amazing." I say to him.

He smiled and kissed my forehead.

"You are too." he said.

We got quiet again and I just looked into his eyes even longer. He leans closer to me and kissed my
lips for a while. We were kissing quietly but my hands weren't touching him though his hands were
invading my entire body.

He pulls himself away then rests his forehead against my forehead then says to me, "You're the second
best thing that ever happened to me."

Catherine will always be the first.

I smirked. "I didn't ask you to tell me a lie."

"I'm not lying." He pulls his head away and looks at me.

I pull myself up and he moves away from me. "I gotta go." I say.

He grabs my wrist.

"Don't." He says.

"Nick I told you to keep it simple."

"I'm too tired to drive already and I want you to sleep here. It's been a while we slept together in one
bed." He says.

My eyes moved to him and he looked like he was begging for me. He's begging.



"It's always sex then we leave the other one. Tonight, sleep with me." He added.

"Fine." I say. How can I say no to you?

He was right anyways, it has really been a while since I slept beside him in one bed and I kind of miss it
too. I kind of miss the feeling when I wake up beside him. How can we do this simpler when all we both
want is nothing but more than simple?

He picks up his shirt and handed it to me as I watch him get on his boxer brief. I put on his shirt on me
then I lay back down on the bed. He lays right next to me but he's much closer this time. He's invading
my space. He's completely invading my armor.

I exhale.

"Do you ever think of how this thing will end, Nick?" I asked.

We're both looking at the ceiling now.

"No. Even though I know this will end someday, I just can't imagine how it will end." He answered.

"Let's make the most out of our time together then? Before I find some stable guy who could love me
and give me what you couldn't give me. Let's fuck each other as much as we want to until we grow
tired of each other before we end this." I tell him.

I moved my head to him and he was already looking back at me. He looked hurt but I tried to tell that
I'm not.

"If you find a stable guy, I wish he will love you right." He says.

I sigh inwardly.

"I wish he won't treat you the way I treat you." He added.



How can I find another guy when I'm still not ready to let go of you?

________

SFTC:

Belong - Cary Brothers


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